Monthly Archive for June, 2008

written by MadMax from Madmax's Plodcast

So, there is a shortage of handcuffs.

I can't see that myself. Well, if forces are struggling to kit out new recruits, they just need to re-distribute old stock. Let's face it, there must be thousands of pairs of handcuffs, languishing in lockers up and down the country, that belong to the 9-5 squad members. I suspect, most will need refurbishing, because they are probably jammed solid through lack of use.

The original post can be found http://madmax-plodcast.blogspot.com/2008/06/shortage.html

written by Metcountymounty from Sheepdogs & Wolves

This list has been doing the rounds for years, it's very funny (to me anyway) so here it is along with some of my own thoughts, just to mix it up a little. I'm crazy like that.

You have the bladder capacity of five people (after a few days kitted up on aid, drinking loads and not going to the loo, I think it was dehydration more than capacity, but it did seem odd)

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience (once or twice!!)

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space (of the people I deal with, I'd say closer to 75%)

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change (after 12 hours all I want to do is collapse in a snoring heap on the train, however, nights going into a rest day is a different matter, kerching!!)

You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you (because most of the time they are drunk and taking the piss, but the smell of alcohol is usually a good give away!!)

Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you (along with discussing what we're going to get for food while standing in the same house as a dead body, yes we do this a lot)

You find humour in other peoples stupidity (if you can't laugh then you'll only cry, and some people are really really stupid)

You have your weekends off planned for a year (having just looked, my diary actually goes up to Jan 2010, quite scary when I think about it!)

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce (a bit serious this one, but if you look at a kid and just know that they are just f&cked for life then the answer presents itself)

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says " it sure is quiet around here" (it does, it's not a joke and you only ever say the 'Q' word if nothing is happening AND you actually want it to kick off in a big way, otherwise, calm, peaceful, still or serene are good substitutes and thus far seem to work)

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track (I do try and take decent food in, but sometimes Nando's or even a McDonalds breakfast is without equal!)

You're the only sober person in the kebab house (I'm not a kebab fan but when I get the orders in for other people, yes I am indeed the only sober person. The guys serving even drink which I'm sure they aren't supposed to but there are bigger problems in the world)

You believe chocolate is a food group (unfortunately true however a can of ice cold cherry coke and a Lion bar is an excellent pick me up at 4am when my brain it trying to comatose itself)

Having alcohol at 7am seems relaxing (if you work nights and have the opportunity to go to an 'early house' after your set of shifts finishes then DO IT, no matter what job you do. There is nothing like having a decent cooked breakfast and a glass of your favourite tipple after working a set of nights. For one, you get shitfaced soooo quickly and two, you sleep like a baby. Not good if you miss your stop and end up miles away from home or even on the way back into London, but having a drink after nights is ace, despite the logistical risks)

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the first time" (yes...... yes I have. I had the following conversation with a repeat drunk suicide threatener a year or so ago "how many times have you called us or the ambulance service to say you're going to kill yourself?" "loads" "and how many times have you successfully killed yourself?" "twice" "you seem to have made a remarkable recovery, stop wasting our time and get in the van")

You believe "Too stupid to Live" should be a valid court outcome (along with "and so I authorise for your bank account and all the belongings held in your name and within your home address to be seized and sold to increase pay to our armed forces personnel who actually deserve it")

You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh uncontrollably (yes along with taking the phone off of a colleague having a near argument with an obvious wanker and saying "Hi, do you know who this is? No? bye then" and hanging up)

You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who is in charge of this mess anyway?" (in addition to greeting the custody Sgt with a smile and for them to look worried and say "oh great, what have you brought in this time? are they going to try and kill themselves?")

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group (occasionally but usually in serious conversation as it gets everything across that you need to in one simple word)

You think caffeine should be available in IV form (along with entonox - laughing gas - we should be allowed to keep that stuff in the cars, it's brilliant. In fact, I think they should legalise it and sell it in pubs in single shot doses)

Your prisoner states "I have no idea how I got here" - and neither have you (usually in company with the question "so why have I been arrested??" for the 86th time!)

It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the twilight zone (picture 3am, central London and a freezing cold and uncharacteristically empty iconic site. I'm out walking alone so I stop to absorb the ambience when a guy who looks like Morgan Freeman walks out into the centre. He unfolds a stool, sits down, unpacks a viola and starts playing the theme tune to The Godfather followed by a couple of Vivaldi's Four Seasons. The acoustics were fantastic)

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion (see the above point about the early house, also I like to stay awake for as long as I can after nights, helps kick start the body clock and the feeling is akin to being off your face on codeine. It's the only time the film Barn Yard made me cry with laughter because its not even that funny, just don't drive, not good)

You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realized what a sick bunch we all are (yep!!)

Metcountymounty

The original post can be found http://sheepdogsandwolves.blogspot.com/2008/06/you-might-be-copper-if.html

written by Metcountymounty from Sheepdogs & Wolves

This post has absolutely nothing to do with Policing (although the American Corporation model sounds like the Home Office and we definately live with a Socialist Government) but a mate sent it to me and made me laugh, so here you go -

Economic Models and Business Strategies explained with Cows.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes one of them and gives it to your work-shy neighbour.
They laugh in your face.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for the five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheets are provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, block the roads and set fire to cars, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are, you decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office for the day and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

Readers Contributions -

NU-LABOUR GOVERNMENT
You have two cows, milked by the cow tsar.
One is black and one is white to ensure racial diversity, the black one fancies the white one thus ensuring we have suitable variation in sexual orientation.

THE ULSTER CORPORATION
You have two cows and pay protection for the milk

SCOTTISH CORPORATION
You have two cows (the hairy highland variety)
You dip one in chocolate, cover it in batter and deep fry it, just to see if it works

ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They produce lots of milk for the people.
The State beat you up and steal your cows then give them to someone who has no idea about looking after them.
The cows die and there is no milk
It is all the fault of the Britain and America

BRITISH POLICE SERVICE
You have 2 cows.
You give them a selection of tasks, including making sure that no-one is rude to any other cows for any reason, even if the cows haven't complained. You ensure that they have the correct ethnic proportion of cows for all the fields in the country, notwithstanding that there are almost no minorities in this field. They are so busy doing these tasks this that they have no time to be milked, so you buy some cheaper cows who don't produce any milk but look as though they should, and you hope that because you can see these cows, everyone will think that there is stacks of milk.
To fund this, you feed the real cows less so they couldn't produce any milk even if they weren't so busy doing non-milk producing activities.

Metcountymounty

The original post can be found http://sheepdogsandwolves.blogspot.com/2008/06/you-have-two-cows.html

written by Metcountymounty from Sheepdogs & Wolves

This was actually a response of mine to a question on another post, I've decided to expand on some of the points and offer it over for discussion.

My view on CCTV, is that just like anything else the government have brought in, they did it half arsed. It's very good when it's used properly and to it's full potential but without sufficient resources to use it fully in all cases, or to store and use in court proceedings, it is almost worthless most of the time. CCTV can be invaluable in fast time incidents where the control room or an experienced operator can give the officers on the ground not only the information they actually need, but a mental image of the scene prior to arrival. As an eye in the sky, in many cases it beats a plane or chopper hands down with value for money and versatility, but ONLY when used live.

As for trawling through hours and hours of CCTV for incidents it has to be viewed and used in real time and costs hundreds of thousands in man-hours every year, although some of the evidence that can be gleaned can be pivotal and can make or disprove a case. In courts they still demand the CCTV on VHS tape as they haven't got duplex (ability to view lots of camera angles recorded at once) or DVD players because of cost. Most council and private CCTV facilities now store onto hard-drive because it is more cost effective than additional storage or tapes and quicker to access and can burn off easily onto disc. The cost in time alone of transferring to a system that is nearly 30 years old from DVD's to VHS tape, is completely rediculous.

Added to this, is the fact that most police computers have the CD drive locked out to stop people listening to music or uploading software (which they never could or did anyway, as with the internet they blocked access before anyone ever got the chance to abuse it through fear of looking bad in the press or to the public) even viewing CCTV becomes a complete pain in the arse and cannot be done quickly or easily. Virtually all of the time we have to view it at scene in order to get all the information we need for the crime report or to relay to other officers. I also have no idea how many times I've been to a job where the person who knows how to use or even access the system isn't there, or no one actually knows how to use it as the head office just installed it without showing anyone how it works.

It's all well and good bringing in the cameras if you can use them properly and the infrastructure is behind them to actually use them effectively as evidence in court or investigation, but it isn't and in most cases it is collected and stored as unused evidence at the behest of the CPS. In many cases it's collected for negative evidence as the cameras aren't actually that good, it is also collected to cover arses as it is almost certain that somewhere a CCTV camera has seen some part of an incident and even if the footage is worthless, we can't be seen to ignore it.

I have no idea how many people think that CCTV is as good as on TV or in the movies, it categorically is not. In most cases such as shops or some old council cameras the image is shocking, due to poor quality equipment and an unrealistic expectation of its value. CCTV used to be a good deterrent when it first became popular, but nowadays many criminals know that it is practically worthless. They know that their brief will be able to bring the quality into question anyway and also that the chances of every frame of every vid being analysed and watched properly is incredibly slim. Whereas areas that install CCTV see an initial drop in crime, after time the crime rate creeps back up to its existing levels as they simply don't care if they are on camera any more.

There is also no such thing as digital 'zooming' of an image that can be used for everyday investigations, the reason for this is a computer program is used to extrapolate the information in the image to enhance it digitally, which is technically nothing more than an educated guess. An image only contains a certain number of pixels (such as the ratings used to show the resolution of digital cameras) and whether you have 1k pixel images or 10 mega pixels, if you zoom in too much you just end up with a big pixel on the screen. There are systems used by the military and other government agencies however they are not admissible in court. The reason it is not admissible as evidence is because one computer program could give one result and another could give something else and so there develops a question of doubt. Even if the system is proved to be 99.99% accurate, the 0.01% of doubt is an issue a good defence brief would bring up and capitalise on during trial, with the view to getting the evidence deemed inadmissible.

You can use a computer program to clean up an image by clearing static 'snow' pixels or enhancing the colours of existing ones. This type of enhancement was used by the FBI labs in the Milly Dowler case to ID a car, but there is nothing usable in court today of the same level as in the film Blade Runner where they zoom in almost indefinitely to a photo to get an image.

A perfect example of the expectations and limitations of technology is the photos that Police officers took at the 'Jack the Ripper' murders. They photographed the eyes of one of the victims in the hope that in the future the technology might exists to zoom in enough to get an image of the murderer. However due to the resolution of the film and prints, you can't blow up what isn't there in the first place and using a computer program to try just gives an indication, not proof. The same goes for a digital image and a tape frame.

In a case a few years ago, I had traced a car via CCTV through a large part of the city I worked in, from the location of the incident to a few hundred yards away from where the suspect was arrested in the same car as ID'd by the description of his face and the number plate. When I took the 15 odd tapes from the different cameras to the tech guys at HQ they did all the cleaning they could, but I was amazed at how little they were actually able to do to the image through possibility of corrupting the evidence. I learned that even in near darkness they could determine the colour of a car by analyzing the colour reflections from the headlights, but even that was not accurate and only gave a basic indicator such as red, green or blue. I had to use another car of exactly the same model that was luckily parked up at the roadside on one shot to prove the car we were looking at was the same model. As for zooming in and seeing the number plate or even the drivers face; not a chance.

A further problem I faced was the time index on each individual camera was actually different. In order to prove that it was the same car from each camera and not two conveniently placed cars of the same make, model and colour travelling at high speed from the incident I had to work through every camera in real time to get the difference, and then had to do the same to our radio comms channel, the incident log and the Police national computer. Every single clock was different, including the watch on my arm and the only way to get a proper reading was to sit on the phone to the talking clock. Without going through the pains of calculating the differences, which took hours, the CCTV could have been inadmissible through doubt of worth. As investigations go it was extremely interesting and worthwhile in the end; however the question of proportionality to the offence has to be raised. Imagine having to do that for every incident, let alone having to view every tape in real time anyway.

I had a guy recently come into the station to ask advice with regard to damage to his car. It was parked in a bay and he new there was a council camera about 50 meters away that looks at it and wondered if the traffic department would seize the tape and view it to get a picture of the driver. I was honest with him and told him that they probably wouldn't, simply because CCTV is so over rated. Some record at only one frame every second - sometimes every 3 seconds - and the likelihood of actually getting the car, driver and registration number for insurance was incredibly slim. We filled the form out for him anyway, but I had to be realistic that the chances are he would be footing the bill himself unfortunately.

At incidents where you have different accounts of what has gone on you can use recorded CCTV to give an indicator as to who is telling the truth but without sound and live record, it is still not great and you can never get the nuances of body language on one frame a second video footage. There has never been a conviction based solely on CCTV evidence, there has always been some other corroboration so as the governments answer to solving crime it's not all it's hyped up to be. At nearly every incident I attend now we have people saying "the CCTV will prove it, go and watch it now" and to be honest the fact that there is CCTV everywhere (and thanks to TV programs) it gives the public an extremely unrealistic view on its evidential value and potential.

It's a very simple tool in the box, nothing more.

Metcountymounty.

The original post can be found http://sheepdogsandwolves.blogspot.com/2008/06/why-im-not-big-fan-of-cctv.html

written by Metcountymounty from Sheepdogs & Wolves

When operating in a public order environment or even just on normal boring-as-sin aid for protestors outside Parliament, arms fairs or Embassies, there are lots of different rules, regulations and SOP's (standard operating procedures) that we have to consider. For use of force authorities we have common Law giving normal 'any person' powers to use force to prevent injury, save life and limb and for self defence. Under The Police and criminal evidence Act '84 we've got Section 117 and under the Criminal Law Act '67 Section 3, both sections give us specific authority as a constable to use as much force as is reasonable in the circumstances to effect arrest, defend others/ourselves etc.

If we have to search people we've got powers of search under Section 1 of PACE (with reasonable suspicion) Section 23 of the misuse of drugs act (for drugs, funnily enough) Section 60 of PACE (search anyone in a given area without suspicion under authority) as well as Section 44/43 of the prevention of terrorism act, again for searching anyone in a given area under authority.

In addition to these basic tools in the box there are authorities for cordons and containment, SOP's for use of different levels of expertise and deployments of reserve units or specialists like dog units or mounted branch. When we undertake public order training we go through the various authorities and SOP's, as well as when we go to officer safety training so they are well and truly drilled in. This is mainly so we can justify actions in statements and can answer questions if we ever find ourselves in the box gripping the rail, but also in case anyone (usually with a hidden camcorder) actually asks us under which authority we're operating under by restricting their liberties.

More important than all of these however, are the host of unwritten rules which exist to make the duty pass considerably easier and to make sure everyone knows where they stand. A lot of these unwritten rules are cast as that evil 'canteen culture' malarkey and are incredibly discouraged, even if accepted as the norm and somewhat essential. In a situation where you have extreme boredom for long periods of time and have 7 people in a carrier, you need some kind of ground rules otherwise you'll end up pissing some or all of the others off and it just makes an unpleasant or boring duty even worse. The chances are you'll be working with them again and that doesn't help. The other aspect to consider is that because in a public order incident you operate as part of a close team, the sooner you have good camaraderie then the more likely everyone will be to trust you if it does go pear shaped. The unwritten rules apply to everyone regardless of age, rank or gender.

A while ago I was severely bored and immobile so I wrote some of them down (mainly after one of the guys on our team pissed a few people off on aid) if you have any of your own then feel free to send them!

*If you're the carrier virgin then you buy the doughnuts or an appropriate substitute - we did, so should you, its just rude if you don't. Healthy alternatives do not count.

*The carrier virgin (or team member with least service) must bring a quantity of extra long elastic bands, easily available from the station office. Being in a field in the middle of no where is boring, these will come in handy.

*The Operator is responsible for spare airwave/radio batteries, assembling reasonably new newspapers from around the nick, ensuring there are at least 2 decent maps on board, bringing an appropriate bag of sweets for the driver, sorting out a bin bag and making sure the last team didn't leave any skanky food on the shelves. Not nice when you put a hat up there to find a week old Met-issue Tuna Wrap stuck to it.

*The jump seat (next to the side door) MUST be offered first to either the Sgt or the Inspector, then it should go out in height order.

*Despite its name, the jump seat is not for jumping out of, especially when moving, you'll hurt yourself and make the rest of the carrier look stupid.

*The BINGO seat is the one furthest back from the door, after the jump seat, this gets offered to the Inspector if they want it, before you look dumb for asking, it stands for "Bollocks, I'm Not Getting Out"

*Always volunteer to get the snacks. Upon receipt, the snacks must be dished out as quickly as possible on return to the carrier.

*You can never have too much water, even if its cold and miserable, any water hanging around is yours - reallocate it to your carrier as soon as possible then at the end of your duty always dish it out, if no one wants it then stick it in your locker.

*The Medic is not a 6 headed monster, you are allowed to talk to him/her even if they are from another nick, whilst they are on your carrier, you're one big happy world hating team.

*During operational feeding, everyone on the carrier must stop eating and eyeball the incoming group to prove that they are not as good as you.

*The carrier virgin is NOT allowed to pack the kit bags, they'll earn this right only after forgetting that their hi vis is in the pocket furthest away from the door, and at the bottom of the pile because they thought they'd never need it.

*Bring an mp3 player, preferably with speakers if you have decent music, earphones if not. You will need it.

*Prior to the Aid you'll more than likely stop off to get nibblies and papers, it's customary for each person to get a different one so chip in.

*If you really must fart, have the courtesy to fess up and laugh as loud as possible while everyone wretches, entombed in a moving metal windowless stink pit.

*Double time or not, if someone is sleeping then photos are acceptable - elastic bands flung off a baton MP5 style at high speed to the groin, are not.

*If you're on Double time and everyone else is on a reallocated rest day - or even core shift - then get the McFlurrys in, you're being paid enough.

*If you choose to bring some playing cards, make sure they're normal ones, it's not nice to get a group bollocking if someone sees the FHM deck and decides to have words in front of the whole food hall.

*We know you're excited but it must be emphasised that you are more than likely going to be walking around in your big hat/bowler and hi vis - you probably won't be getting kitted up and sticking anyone today unfortunately.

*No, you aren't going to be carrying any Halon, it's just for show.

*Despite what the person on the other side of the desk says, there is no limit to the number of biscuits you can have from the Police room at football stadiums. It is your duty as carrier virgin to return to the carrier with an excess amount of biscuits, just don't get caught walking out with a box, their head might explode.

*The rules to the game 'who'll shit first' are simple - in order of rank followed by specialism then length of service, everyone puts a quid in the kitty and picks one of the public order horses. If your horse shits first, you win the kitty. Easy.

*And finally, yes it is true, every other nick DOES has fitter people than yours.

Metcountymounty.

The original post can be found http://sheepdogsandwolves.blogspot.com/2008/06/not-so-unwritten-carrier-rules.html